Getting teens to talk about their feelings can feel incredibly difficult. Teenagers often withdraw from their parents and other much-loved adults in their lives. Not only that, they can struggle to name the feelings they’re dealing with, creating an even greater communication barrier. As you consider how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, consider these strategies.
Understanding the Importance of Talking with Your Teenager About His Feelings
Talking about their emotions is incredibly important for teens’ emotional and mental health. The teen years are often a hotbed of emotional difficulty. Not only do teens struggle with heightened emotions during those vital years, they may find themselves dealing with more difficult circumstances than they could have previously anticipated. Teens who share their emotions are less likely to suffer from depression.
Expressing their emotions also gives teens better language to describe those emotions. As young people learn how to positively express emotions through good, solid communication tactics, they’ll often experience increased self-esteem. As you validate their emotions and engage in active listening, you’ll also create a deeper bond with your teen that can encourage them to open up to you about the difficult challenges they may end up facing. Of course, many parents struggle with how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings–but with care and time, you can overcome those barriers.
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How to Get a Teenager to Talk About Their Feelings – 5 Essential Steps
Whether you have a new teen who needs encouragement to keep talking about their feelings or you’ve struggled with a teenager who doesn’t seem to open up, there are several strategies you can use to encourage communication skills. Learning how to talk to your teenager can be hard! Remember to control your own emotions during those conversations so that you can model effective emotional regulation. As you learn how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, you’ll find that it gets easier to find solutions.
1. Create a Safe and Open Environment
If your teen doesn’t feel safe sharing information with you, chances are, they aren’t going to discuss their feelings. A teen who feels that you’re ignoring them or that you don’t care about their feelings is more likely to shut down and less likely to share. As you figure out how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, create a safe and open environment where your teen feels welcome to share things with you–and where they know they won’t be judged for those feelings.
- Engage in active listening. Allow your teen to say what they have to say without interruption. Try to repeat back what you understood of what they said to ensure that you are on the same page.
- Make eye contact. Let your teen know that they have your full attention and that you aren’t on your phone or engaging in another activity when they’re trying to share their emotions with you.
- Avoid expressing your own negative emotions during the early stages of that communication, especially if it’s the first time your teen has opened up to you.
- Don’t share what your teen has told you with others. It can be tempting to discuss with friends and family members, but your teen needs to know that they can trust you to keep their confidence when it matters. Without that assurance, they may not be willing to communicate with you!
- Do not argue. If you find yourself struggling with how to talk to your teenager without arguing, it could be that you aren’t providing them a safe space for those conversations.
Make sure you design a safe space for those communications. Let your teen know that it’s all right to express the emotions they’re having or to share difficult things with you. Let them know that you aren’t going to judge them and that they can trust you to guide them through these experiences and feelings.
Also, do some thinking about how to speak to a teenager in general. Many teens benefit from open communication, honest language, full attention, and feeling as though their feelings are validated. As you consider how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, take those important elements into account.
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2. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Open-ended questions help teens articulate their feelings without feeling interrogated. Give them space to share what they’re feeling, thinking, and dealing with in an open, honest way. This is an excellent way to work on how to talk to your teenager without arguing, since questions are often less inflammatory than other types of communication.
- Avoid simple yes or no questions, which do not encourage further reflection or sharing and can make your teen shut down.
- Ask “why” and “how” questions that will encourage a deeper level of sharing and communication.
- Keep it simple. Don’t try to delve into complicated concepts that your teen may not be ready to examine.
Make sure, where possible, that your questions relate directly to the topic of conversation at hand. Your teen should know that you’re listening to them, engaging with them, and working with them to process their feelings. As you learn how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, you’ll find that these open-ended questions are a great way to encoruage ongoing communication.
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3. Choose the Right Time for Conversations
If you’re going to have conversations about your teen’s emotions, especially if you expect your teen to engage in those conversations with you, strive to choose the right time. Choosing your timing with care is a key part of how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, and can make a big difference in the overall interaction.
Try to avoid forced talks, which can make teens feel as though they’ve been put on the spot, or as though you’re trying to interrogate them. Instead, prioritize spending time with them. Try to be the one driving your young teen back and forth from events or meetings, and try to schedule in time with older teens. When you’re a regular part of your teen’s life, you have more openings for those conversations, and you’re more likely to get them to open up to you.
Many teens are more likely to talk when it feels casual, and staying in motion can be an easier way to open the conversation. As you work to figure out how to talk to your teenager, figure out what works for your child, specifically. Your teen may like to start conversations when they’re out on a drive with you, or they may enjoy going for a walk around the block or around the park while you discuss difficult or emotional situations.
Watch your teen’s body language, and be willing to stop the conversation if they aren’t comfortable. Let them know that they can come to you later, if they prefer. As you learn how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, you’ll find that they’ll initiate conversations at times that are convenient for them – and that it won’t necessary fit your schedule.
4. Talk Without Arguing
Many parents become defensive when their teens express emotions, especially if teens express a negative emotion toward them. For example, if a teen notes frustration because a parent didn’t follow through on a promise, the parent may immediately attempt to justify their actions. Give your teen room to express their feelings! Take some deep breaths and keep your emotions under control while you continue the discussion. Are you struggling with how to talk to your teenager without arguing? There are several healthy ways to handle potential disagreements without turning it into a conflict or feeling incredibly defensive.
- Take the time to process your own emotions or struggles in a healthy way. If you have trauma or challenges you’re dealing with, work with a therapist!
- Strive to solve problems together, as a team, rather than as two people standing on opposite sides of a conflict. Problem-solving together can strengthen your relationship.
- Be willing to compromise with your teen. Ask yourself why you have set rules the way you have – and if there’s not a good reason for it, or you can’t define the reason, consider making changes that fit your teen’s needs.
If you feel yourself growing abrupt or defensive, it may be time to table the conversation. Set a specific time to come back to it. Let your teen know that you appreciate them sharing their thoughts and feelings on the subject and that you want to make it a conversation between the two of you, not an argument. Model how to deal with that conflict in a healthy way. As you consider how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, realize that they may not come to you again if they feel that they are engaged in conflict every time they try to share with you.
5. Offer Support for Mental Health
It’s important to recognize when your teen may need more support than you can provide. Not only do you need to know how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, you need to have a solid understanding of when they need to speak to a professional. Normalize discussions around mental well-being in your household, and encourage your teen to reach out for assistance if they need it. Teenage children often feel ignored when they bring up mental health concerns. By keeping an open, honest conversation with them, you can catch teen’s mental health issues early, which can lead to earlier treatment and, ultimately, more positive outcomes. Consider:
- Therapy. A qualified therapist can help guide your teen through how to prioritize their own mental health.
- The National Alliance on Mental Illness, which provides comprehensive support and education for individuals dealing with mental health issues.
- The Crisis Text Line, which allows teens in crisis to text HOME to 741741 to connect with a volunteer crisis counselor at any time.
- The National Institute of Mental Health, which provides comprehensive mental health information for teens, adults, and kids.
If your teen is diagnosed with a mental health condition, keep in mind that it is a real condition. Your teen needs support, just like they would if they were dealing with a physical health condition. Treatment is essential to overcoming those struggles and improving quality of life. Remember how to speak to a teenager effectively when suggesting treatment. While many teens will be grateful for that help and support, others may be reluctant to engage, especially if they feel attacked or defensive.
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Red Flags That Indicate Your Teenager Might Be Struggling
Even if you think that you have an open, honest relationship with your teen, it’s important to keep an eye out for signs they might be struggling. You’ve assessed how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, but you may still need to keep an eye out for signs of prolems–especially if your teen isn’t able to articulate what they’re feeling. If your young adult child is in mental or emotional distress, it’s important to get them the support they need. Watch out for these warning signs.
Withdrawal from Friends or Activities
Lost interest in socializing or activities your teen used to enjoy could be a sign of a serious problem. Some teens will withdraw because of bullying (in person or on social media), changes in friend relationships, or a feeling that they aren’t welcome with the group or team. Others may withdraw from those activities because of low energy related to depression or struggles with anxiety.
Always pay attention if your teen no longer wants to engage in activities, especially if those activities once brought them a great deal of joy or formed an important part of their social circle. Keep in mind that even if you’ve figured out how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, they may not share that information with you directly. Instead, you may need to watch their interactions with friends or their participation in activities and assess it against their normal to get a better feel for any changes.
Changes in Sleep or Eating Patterns
Sudden changes in either sleep or appetite can be linked to a variety of possible problems, including anxiety, stress, and depression. Often, major changes in those patterns could be a sign of significant mental health issues. Keep in mind that everyone responds differently! While some teens may suddenly start sleeping more when they’re dealing with a mental health crisis, others may not sleep at all. Still others may change their sleep patterns or cycles: sleeping more during the day, rather than lying down to rest at night, for example.
Likewise, changes in eating habits can vary depending on the individual’s personality. While some people will neglect to eat when dealing with high levels of stress, others will engage in comfort eating or binge eating. Get to know your teen’s usual patterns and watch out for any major changes, no matter which way those changes go.
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Frequent Mood Swings or Irritability
Teenagers are naturally more prone to mood swings than adults or younger children. However, if you notice that your teen seems to struggle with ongoing moodiness, frustration, or anger, especially if it’s a departure from their usual patterns or habits, it could be an indication of deeper emotional issues. Remember, as you figure out how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, you may be surprised by the depth of their emotions! However, if you notice them becoming increasingly snappy or difficult, it could be a sign that there’s something more going on.
A Drop in Academic Performance
At some stages, your child may naturally show declining motivation in school. They may struggle with some classes more than others. If they have a demanding academic load or are engaged in a lot of activities outside of school, you don’t want to put additional pressure on them. However, if your teen shows declining grades and a lack of motiviation to engage in school, especially if they were previously a high or moderate performer and you are seeing significant struggles, it could be a sign of mental health struggles. Work with your child to isolate the reason for those changes and provide support where it’s needed.
Expressing Feelings of Hopelessness or Worthlessness
Any time your teen starts to talk about feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, or guilt, it could signal a serious mental health concern. Always take those conversations seriously! As you think about how to get a teenager to talk about their feelings, you must consider their opinion about those feelings valid and important. Your child may not be exaggerating their feelings or trying to get validation. Instead, they could be expressing dangerous feelings that could lead to a long-term struggle, suicidal thoughts, and more. Get your teen immediate mental health help if needed. Professional help will make things better.
Conclusion
Good communication is essential. When you provide your teen with a safe place to open up and share their emotions, you aid in their overall development, create deeper relationships with them, and allow them a healthy outlet for expressing their feelings. With these strategies, you can help your teen talk about their emotions and provide them with much-needed mental health support when necessary.
Create a safe space, choose the right time, and keep an eye out for possible red flags that could indicate that your teen is dealing with more serious emotional health struggles than you initially thought. With that sense of connection and communication at the forefront of your mind, you can help your teen navigate those years more easily.
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References
Gladwin, T.E., Figner, B., Crone, E.A., & Wiers, R.W. (2011). Addiction, adolescence, and the integration of control and motivation. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience,1(4), 364-376. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dcn.2011.06.008.
Kolk, S. & Rakic, P. (2022). Development of prefrontal cortex. Neuropsychopharmacology 47:41–57; https://doi.org/10.1038/s41386-021-01137-9
Radomir-Belitoiu, R. (2019). The Relationship between Parental Styles, Anger Management, and Cognitive-Emotional Coping Mechanisms in Adolescents. Journal of Experiential Psychotherapy, 22(4), 17–24.
Raisingchildren.net.au. (n.d.). Privacy, monitoring and trust: pre-teens and teenagers. https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/communicating-relationships/family-relationships/privacy-trust-teen-years
